“Nobody can viciously tear you apart like you can.”
—Some guy in line to get popcorn at the cinema
I've been poking around inside myself recently, shining light around the caverns of my mind. Finding elusive bats still hanging from sneaky perches.
I thought I had already sent them flying from the shadows into The Sun. That I had healed what I came to Earth to heal. But being Hue-Man offers a continuum of self-discovery, and I'm learning as I go.
I've been on a journey for a long time now. Seeking to know myself as deeply as possible. Seeking remembrance of what I knew before taking this body.
But when you want to remember, you might not enjoy everything you uncover in the process. You feel all types of ways as you work through your own mess. And in order for me to be the best version of myself I can, I breathe through it.
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With a little help from my friends
In a conversation with my friend and fellow writer,, we recently invoked the Divine Jester while telling stories of our brothers and their incarcerations.
Cody reminded me how the Jester was a challenging figure in the Court, held and protected by the King. His ferocious honesty was padded with laughter to cut through the formality of royalty.
The Jester always comes when called, often with a grander plan than you will be able to see, and I wasn't consciously ready for him to help me break myself apart this week.
And so I found myself in pieces again, for a few days. But I needed the experience, and I can now more clearly see the patterns which were living in my subconscious mind that needed to be understood.
Seeking Divine Motherhood for assistance
I called to our Divine Mother and invited her into my world. I told her I want to know her and myself better, and asked her to communicate with me.
And the next night I met her in a dream.
But toward the tail end of this dream, when I realized how I was acting, I ran away in fear.
I heard myself speaking to her, telling her how special I was and how much I felt I'd accomplished. I sounded like the man-child character, Stuart, from MadTV.
"MAMA, LOOK WHAT I CAN DO."
And she softly replied, in the most loving and Queenly voice I have ever heard. "That is so sweet, Darling."
"Look at how special I am, Mama."
"Look at you go, Darling."
"Mama, I'm gonna change the world, look at me!"
"That is so sweet, Darling."
You'd think I would have tired myself out at some point, or that I would have asked her to speak freely to me, but I kept going on and on about myself.
And She, with Royal patience, loved me unconditionally. She called me her darling, and I felt unequivocally loved, seen, mortified, and embarrassed at the same time.
And as soon as I went lucid, realizing what I was saying and to whom, I ran away in embarrassment, back to my Earth body.
And the Jester laughed on my way out.
"Ha, ha, ha, ha! Did you get what you came here for, kid?”
A moment later, in my bed, I woke, letting out a long exhale. I did not judge myself, but I became a witness of my own behavior. I had gotten exactly what I asked for in a way I was not expecting.
In my mind, I wanted her to tell me things. Secrets about what I'd forgotten. But she simply held the mirror for me to see myself, loving her Darling unconditionally through his learning experience.
Reaching down to find Juice at my side where he always sleeps, I told him, "wow buddy. I'm still learning to love myself unconditionally. I thought I was doing it already."
Calling on a friend
Last Sunday, I woke feeling exhausted and scattered again. So I called one of my dearest friends—a woman who was there with me when I hit rock bottom all those years ago. A woman who has always had my back no matter what.
We were supposed to record a podcast episode about dogs together that day, and I asked if we could postpone because I didn't feel like falsely putting on a happy face for the camera.
I didn't feel like putting on a show while I was sorting through myself.
On the phone she told me about a prolific dream she'd had about me just before waking that morning.
In her dream, she saw me stabbed to death by either an alien or a dog, but she couldn't quite remember who my killer was. And she was stressed because as my sister and family searched for me, she covered up her knowledge of what happened.
She told the search party she did not know where I was, and she didn't even know why she was hiding information from them. And that made her feel confused.
I laughed with her about the dream, and wondered what it might mean. Was it the Jester in disguise who had stabbed me? I didn't think he got his hands dirty like that.
But death in dreams usually signifies transformation. And so her dream helped me see myself and our connectedness in a new way.
After we talked about the dream, we kept going for another 3 hours. And I completely dropped my guard, telling her all about how I was feeling.
And like our Sweet Loving Mother, she helped me see into my blind spots to get a clearer picture of myself, through her eyes.
In hindsight, I should have been brave enough to record that call, because life is not always puppy kisses, flower pedals, and gum drops. Sometimes a hand grenade comes out to play.
And I see now how my work skews to one side more than the other.
Mother knows I do the best I can with the tools I have in each moment, but I claim my "Hue-Manity" because I am here to learn just like everyone else.
I have feelings, virtues, dark memories, aspirations, and failed dreams which I navigate through on my path. And that means sometimes I fall short of who I aspire to be. So I write to learn through each experience.
I was working on an entirely different piece for this week, but I wanted to share this with you because it's real, and part of me. And the funny thing is, I can see now how perfectly this one sets the message of the next one up.
Some people say they want happiness, but that's a fleeting emotional state. What I am becoming is balance, and I am committed to my practice.
So for now, I say thank you to my Mother. And thank you to my Friends. And thank you to The Jester.
For helping me feel seen through your eyes. For holding the mirror. And for helping me learn to love myself unconditionally.
I laugh with you now, Jester. While I do my homework.
Ha, ha, ha!